Two
Minds
a memoir by
Mary-Anne McArdy
a memoir by
Mary-Anne McArdy
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About this Website
The purpose of this site is to make Mary-Anne McArdy's memoir, Two Minds, readily available as a resource for anyone needing to deal with the effects of trauma and abuse - either personally, in a supporting role or professionally. Go to the Downloads Page to obtain your copy of Two Minds.
The site includes Book Reviews by respected health professionals, an insightful Note from the Author, and the Media Page contains video coverage relevant to Mary-Anne's story.
At the top of most pages an audio player allows you to listen to original songs written and performed by Mary-Anne's sister, Julie. These tracks, inspired by the experiences shared with her sisters, are also available as MP3 downloads.
Finally, while this site has not been designed for on-line discussion or e-mail interaction, there is a Guest Book facility where you can submit your comments or messages for public display.
How this Book came to be Written
When my partner, Mary-Anne Mc Ardy, first revealed to me the extent of the horrendous physical, mental and sexual abuses she (and her sisters) had suffered at the hands of their father, I reacted as I imagine most people would - with anger and outrage.
I understood that he had raped and hurt their bodies, and tormented their minds, but as time went by I came to realise that my understanding of child abuse was, at best, general and abstract. As a person who has never contemplated, much less committed the rape of a child, I found myself unable to construct the mental images necessary for me to comprehend how an adult male could force himself upon a child. I did not understand how the circumstances for on-going abuse were contrived, or how it could go on year after year undetected by those close-by, but not directly involved. Equally difficult to comprehend was why the victims themselves continued to keep their abuse a secret? I wanted to help, but in order to do so I needed to understand what had really happened to Mary-Anne – and how.
When I asked her to explain her experiences in more detail she couldn't find the words, so I suggested she try writing. Once she began a floodgate opened, and what started as a few short essays developed into a four-year-long, writing project that proved cathartic for both of us. Mary-Anne started with her earliest memories, and poured out every detail she could recall in an effort to clear her mind and cleanse her spirit. Watching her as she re-lived in her mind the emotional turmoil of a life time of suffering and deception was heart-wrenching, but at the end she had produced a powerful manuscript that is now changing lives.
As you read Two Minds, you will be challenged by descriptions of gross acts of abuse seamlessly woven into the fabric of normal, everyday life. You will observe the developing mind of a child as it comes to register these acts as part of normal existence; and as a result, you will come to understand the hopelessness and isolation of the world in which a child victim is imprisoned. You will also be heartened by the resilience of the human spirit, and the final rendering of justice.
Two Minds is essential reading for any victim of abuse and trauma, seeking understanding and personal growth. Likewise, family members, spouses, partners, friends and health professionals will benefit from the unique insights contained in these pages. I commend this book to you without reservation.
Best Regards,
Kev Hartley
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A Note from the Author
Dear Visitor,
Shared with roughly a quarter of the population here in Australia, I too have a history of child sexual abuse. It wasn't until I reached 40 years of age, however, that I realised the true extent of damage I sustained from the experience. It appears that '40-something' is often the age when former child-victims of sexual abuse – paternal incest in my case – become driven to face their chronic, secret misery in a desperate bid to find happiness and relative peace of mind.
Does a 7 yr old child have any real notion as to the inevitable outcome of being led into a private, dark and complicated life of despair when coerced into a sexual relationship? The answer is quite simply, no. In my perfectly natural desire to please my 'daddy' when I was about that age, I trusted him to decide what was (and what wasn't) best for me. Unfortunately, my best interests, at least in my father's view, were those that served his best.
Through reading my story I hope you are able to gain insight into the ways that life can become so complicated, and happiness so elusive for those who've had their formative years severely disrupted. Whether you were or are a victim, or have experienced the pain vicariously through loving someone who's dealing with the effects of abuse, let us agree on this; we are all different in our chosen ways of managing traumatic memories. Each of us must find our own way forward without feeling unwanted pressure from those who would prefer, for their own comfort, that the past remain in the past rather than be dealt with openly. It is not possible for a victim of abuse to simply 'get over it' or 'move on' without genuine acknowledgment of the wrong that has been done.
Now well into my 40's – and having accrued more practical experience at being a victim than what I like to admit – I'm currently studying psychology at university with the intention of counselling others when I've earned my degree. In the meantime, as I work toward attaining qualification to offer professional advice, here's a few tips from someone who knows how it actually feels to live the 'double life'. That is, a life of pretence necessary to exist within a society that finds the very thought of incest abhorrent – much less the discussion of it.
Consider and then act on the following (if need be), and in your own time you'll learn to manage your memories and your past need no longer rob you of potential happiness.
- Holding on to guilt (when you have done nothing wrong) is the surest way to suppress the potential for feeling happy – guilt and happiness cannot coexist – it's one or the other.
- Guilt and shame are closely related – these feelings coexist perfectly. Decide whether or not you have anything to feel shame for, and if the answer is 'no' – feelings of guilt will wither in the absence of shame.
- Maintaining guilt and self-blame, if you've endured any form of abuse, is akin to a virus, and its source must be identified and dealt with appropriately if one is to be rid of its limiting effects.
- If others (particularly close relatives or intimate partners) are not completely and actively supportive of your desire to grow and evolve into a happier person, ceasing contact is vital. I know this may sound hard, but it is essential because often you won't see the attempts being made to undermine your efforts to change.
Humans are social creatures, so you must work to rebuild your trust in worthy others, however, take care to see people as they really are as opposed to how you may wish them to be. Whether it's nature or nurture (or a combination of both) that creates the people who behave atrociously toward others, the fact remains that bad things happen. We owe it to ourselves to hold the most realistic views we can to guide our experience, and that of those for whom we are responsible.
I wish you peace and enduring happiness,
Mary-Anne Mc Ardy
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